a red wheel barrow

Getting weirdly emotional about a potential trip to Dearborn on June 15.

I feel like too much of a failure at everything to go back home.  The last time I saw most of the people I’ll be seeing again, I couldn’t shut up about grad school and how excited I was to move and really dig into academia and blah blah blah.

Now I’m just a loser working maintenance at the same old place she’s always worked and with zero real and current job or school prospects.  And I probably look the worst I’ve looked in years.  I don’t want to face my old friends (and crush who’s a semi-current crush) and have them see that I’ve not only not improved but actually regressed.

I am really freaking myself out over this to the point that I almost feel like not going :/

Up til 6:30 in the morning with killer fucking cramps, had to call in to work because I was afraid I might fall asleep with a dremel running in my hand.

Thanks for taking 8 hours out of my paycheck, period.  Yeah, fuck you too.

Time to cuddle up with chamomile tea and keep watching The Hillsand pray that I can get to bed at a decent time tonight.

Changing my life starting now.

Hollaaaaa.

I feel really alone and pathetic and like I don’t fit in anywhere right now.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh perosnal emo bullshit post, pity party for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Just kidding on that done with being sick thing.

But, assuming I feel better tomorrow, my plan for the glorious holiday weekend is to play Suzie homemaker Friday night/all day Saturday and clean my apartment top to bottom (because I’m going to re-sign my lease, hollaaaaaaaa).  Sunday I’m going to take a stay-cation and just pamper the shit out of myself.  I’m going to tan on my apartment’s front lawn with a good book, make some DIY beauty supplies and use them, take a bubble bath with a glass (or two, or three, or five) of wine, and watch a movie I really want to see.

And then I’m going to try to treat Monday like a regular productive work day even though it’s not because I need to get back on these job applications, and I want to work on starting my blog and setting up an online portfolio.  Also looking into teacher certification.

Gonna be a good weekend, I think.

Done being sick and eating comfort food. Calorie counting and running begins again tomorrow, alon with deep cleaning the apartment.

Back on trackkkkkkkk.